Welcome to our little Monkey!

Warning:  Long, detailed birth story ahead

Bear's 2nd birthday was June 1 (one week before my due date).  We closed on our house that morning and had lots of errands to run.  I just felt off all day.  I kept having a tummy ache that would come and go.  My parents arrived around 3 PM to celebrate Bear's birthday and we all went out to grab a quick dinner while Hubs was at work.  All my crampiness died off in the evening, although I woke a few times during the night because I think I was in pain.  I was so tired though, that I just fell right back to sleep.

Saturday June 2, I had lots to do. I had to refill Bear's medication so that if we went into the hospital he wouldn't run out.  My parents were planning on staying until our Monkey joined us.  We also had to make a stop at a grocery store afterwards to fill a prescription for my Dad.  While walking around for the 20 minutes we had to wait for them to fill it I started having pretty noticeable contractions.  One I had to stop walking through and just breathe.  However, they were extremely irregular in time and intensity.  I went to the bathroom and realized I had lost my mucous plug.  All day long the contractions were about 3-4 minutes apart.  But, they weren't extremely intense or regular.  Occasionally I would have to stop and breathe through one.  Hubs came home around 5:30 from work (he was making it up from the day prior).  My contractions seemed to completely stop so we all went to a local restaurant to celebrate Bear's birthday.  Saturday night is polka night after all.  On the way home we ran to Dairy Queen to get Bear a birthday cake and came home to sing Happy Birthday to him and Granddad.

Around 8PM I was overwhelmed by a sudden wave of exhaustion.  I excused myself and went and laid in bed and watched some Teen Mom on MTV.com while the contractions returned..  Hubs put Bear to bed around 9:15 and came in to check on me.  The contractions seemed to be coming stronger however were still only about 5-7 minutes apart. Hubs decided to shower in case this was it.  Around 9:45 we decided to try to get some sleep since they weren't getting any closer together.  I was panicking that I couldn't see the clock from my side of the bed so how was I going to time them.   He said if I told him when I was having a contraction he would watch the clock.  About 30 seconds later I was moaning through a contraction.  5 minutes later another one.  5 minutes later another one.  Hubs decided to call the doctor since they were only about 5-7 minutes apart and lasting 20-60 seconds.  The doctor said it sounded like a false alarm but if we wanted to head to the hospital and get checked out it was okay.  The hospital is 30 minutes away so I was scared to go and not be in labor and I was scared to wait too long.

Finally around 10:45 we decided we should go in.  They seemed to be getting stronger despite not being anymore regular.  The car ride was intense.  They were lasting about 30-60 seconds and coming every 5 minutes.  It was strange, every time one would end I would breathe a sigh of relaxation.  After 3-4 minutes would pass I would convince myself that this was a false alarm and they were just going to stop.  Then a minute later another one would start.  At this point I was doing anything to get through them, more so because I HATED being in the car, strapped down under a seatbelt than because of how painful they were.

We arrived at the hospital at 11:22.  I had a contraction as soon as we got there and had to bend over and lean against the car while Hubs got our bag.  The ER clock said 23:22 while I sat in a wheelchair waiting for someone to take us to L&D.  We finally got up there about 10 minutes later and the nurse had me change into a gown.  About 15 minutes later she hooked me up to a monitor and left.  I had Hubs tell me if the numbers were going up on the contraction monitor.  When he said "YES!" I finally felt myself relax.  Somehow, I had been convincing myself these weren't real contractions (I had just had an NST the morning prior and didn't have one contraction while there).   The on-call doctor came in check on things and do a quick ultrasound to ensure baby was definitely head down.  Since I had declined prior cervical checks he was a little short with me.  However, he nonchalantly let me know I was already 5cm and would definitely be staying.

I finally got moved from triage to a room and the nurse started my IV.  She was very supportive of me going "natural" (I always hate this term, how is birth unnatural?).  She kept telling me "If that's something that you want, then you can do it".  After monitoring me and the baby and starting my IV she said I could walk the halls if I wanted for 40 minutes.  So DH and I took off, if not for anything but something to do.  After about 20 minutes I just couldn't walk anymore.  I was so tired, it was so late (about 2AM at this point), and my legs were feeling so shaky.  I tried laying down in bed which was fine and I would doze off inbetween contractions.  This was AWFUL!!! The contraction would wake me up and I struggled to catch myself mentally with the pain.  I just couldn't center my focus and decided to put on the TV to stay up between contractions.  Around 5AM I started bawling to Hubs that I couldn't do this.  I had a lot of pressure (although I didn't realize that's what it was at the time) and I was struggling to get through the contractions.  I had hit a wall and hadn't tried to find a more comfortable position to labor in.  I asked to be checked.  Like I said, the nurse was very supportive and said she wouldn't check me, unless I asked.  I told Hubs I couldn't do this, I would be way too tired to push.  So, if I was only 6 or 7 cm then I was getting an epidural.  I cried my eyes out.  I wanted so badly to go naturally and I felt like a failure.  Hubs was so encouraging saying, it didn't matter and no matter what I did my best.

The nurse checked me, I WAS 9cm!  Well if that wasn't a boost of confidence.  I tried laboring standing up, but I was too shaky.  I found sitting cross legged in bed while holding Hubs' hand I was much more comfortable.  Around 5:45 it was getting intense. I had to squeeze Hubs' hand hard to send all my pain and tensing out that way so I didn't tense my lower half.  I had him continuously talk to me through a contraction telling me "you can do this" "you're almost there" "you're doing so well"  "you are so strong" meanwhile I was breathing like a crazy woman. As soon as the contraction peaked I would have him tell me so that I knew I was on the downhill and had made it through.  I had a lip of cervix left so the doctor broke my water (she had shown up at around 5:30).  She offered to check me and I declined because I was so uncomfortable.  The contractions were torture now because I wanted to push but they told me not to so fighting the urge was PAINFUL!  Finally I asked if I could push a little and they said yes, I just couldn't not push at all.  It was such a relief even to push just a little. It was like I had direction for the pain.  Instead of holding it in and spreading it around my belly I could focus it a little bit.  I did that for about 3 contractions and the next thing I knew, I HAD TO PUSH.  I COUDLN'T STOP IT.  Literally.  It takes over you.

After Bear's difficult birth and possible birth injury I was panicked through the pushing stage.  I just pushed.  As hard as I could.  I screamed through the first ones.  Another nurse had come into the room (I have no idea when she just appeared there) and said I needed to grab behind my knees (my hands were death gripping the bars on the side of the bed) and curl around the baby and push.  And to hold my breath.  I frantically told her I can't.  My nurse (amazing woman) calmly told me that I could, that I was doing this.  That I was so close, and that I had come too far to lose it now.  I have no idea how I did it, but I moved (I really don't remember it, I just remember that the next thing I knew my hands were around my knees).  I pushed and pushed and pushed and SCREAMED (Hubs look petrified, but hey, it hurt!!!) and Monkey was born at 6:04AM.  About 7 minutes of pushing.  They always tell you that pushing is 2 steps forward one step back.  The baby moves up and down the birth canal.  Not Monkey.  I pushed and when I stop pushing I was squeezing so hard that he never went back up.  Like I said, I was frantic.  We know too well the fears of birth injuries and the damage that can occur.  I pushed like his life depended on it and ended up with a 2nd degree tear because of it.  I didn't care it was worth it.  All in all, the labor part was pretty easy.  It was the delivery I was NOT prepared for.

They placed him on my chest while I delivered the placenta and got stitched up.  Worst part of unmedicated deliveries?  The numbing shots and feeling all the stitches.  I got to love on my baby while panicking that I could feel the needle stitching me up.  After about 40 minutes they weighed him and cleaned him up.  He was 8lb 9oz and 19in long.  Ultrasound had estimated he would be 7lb 13oz so we were surprised he was as big as he was. However, Bear was even bigger (8lb 14oz) at birth at a similar gestational age.  After a few hours we were transferred to our postpartum room.  They took Monkey for his exams and a bath and Hubs and I got a GOOD, well deserved nap.  I think his hand hurt more than he let on.

Welcome to our little Monkey!!!

My battle song

This song is constantly cycling on my Itunes.  I keep adding it to playlists so that I hear it every few songs.  It's the song that gets me through the days and gets me moving.

Stand Back Up by Sugarland
Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
Only human aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when i say,

I will stand back up,
Youll know just the moment when ive have enough,
Sometimes im afraid, and i dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
Theres a light that just wont let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up,

I've weathered all these stroms,
But i just turn them into wind, so i can fly,
What don't kill you makes you stronger,
When I take my last breath,
Thats when I'll just give up,

So, go ahead to take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you cant keep me down,

'Cause I'll stand back up,
And you'll know just the moment when ive had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up. 

The part that goes  "Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe, when the darkness tries to get me, there's a light that just wont let me, It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes, but I'll stand back up" was written for me.  Or at least that's how it feels.  This song is so cathartic, I can't help but feel empowered every time I hear it.  It acknowledges the hurt, the collapse, the breaking point but it moves on.  It recognizes that you can't stand back up unless you've already fallen.  That place on the floor, the one with my knee impressions on it from where I've fallen so many times, that's just my battle scar.  The true victory is that I'm standing back up on my feet despite the viciousness of the attacks upon me.  I'm beaten and bruised, my struggle is clearly written upon me, but the tears that wash down my face don't weaken me.  They are my strength.

Follow up

Back in August I wrote a wish list for my son. They're all things that his hypertonia and genetic disorder make difficult and possibly impossible.

Well, I'd like to update that list today because I feel I owe it to Bear to show how he has proved everyone wrong.

The Wish List of a Special Needs Mom

1) To see my son take a step, even if it’s assisted in a gait trainer. I'm happy to report that Bear has taken off walking in his gait trainer.  We walk around the complex, around his school, and he is just on the go.

2) To hear the word “Mama” even if it’s not directed at me.

3) To be able to pack cute Bento lunches for him because he still hasn’t figured out chewing.

4) To have him develop separation anxiety because sometimes it feels like he doesn’t know I’m Mama.

5) The only needles my son will endure are vaccines.

6) To be able to use a restaurant high chair, because he still cannot sit unsupported.  Bear now sits in shopping carts and restaurant high chairs.  We only use ones with buckles or straps because he doesn't do very well with righting himself and catching himself.  He also sits completely unsupported and crawls and is starting to cruise furniture.

7) To not have tears at the scariness of the unknown future.  

Number 7.  I wish I could say the tears have stopped.  But they haven't.  However, they've changed.  They've grown, they've matured, they've found new homes and new paths.  I'm not crying at the fear of future although I still cry at the unknown.  I'm crying because my son has sat up for the first time at 18 months.  I'm crying because I've got 2 awful genetic mutations that have done this to him. However, I'm unscathed.  I cry because I would do ANYTHING to take the suffering Bear goes through away and bear it myself.  I cry because no matter how hard I try, I can't take it away.  I cry, because that little boy is mine.  That stubborn little boy who they said would never sit or crawl, and probably never walk.  That little boy that is proving them all wrong.  I cry because he's teaching me to move mountains, to push my hardest and to never give up even when the odds are stacked against you.

Money Management, our beginning steps

Is it ironic that I'm in some pretty deep debt and yet writing a post about money management? Well maybe, but I've learned a lot from being in debt. Especially, when it seems easier to pull the towel over your eyes.

RULE #1 That heinous B word....No not that one!
Budget.
Unless you know what money is coming in and going out, then you'll never know how much to spend or save. And if you're spending more than you're bringing in, you'll never get out of debt.

For the past 3 months I've been saving every receipt and recording everything we purchase. I just use a simple excel spreadsheet and record how much our rent is, car insurance, average utilities, and any other fixed bills (I pay $100/month to the hospital for Monkey's Delivery). Every paycheck I take out half of those costs and send it to savings so we don't accidentally spend it. When we get Hubs' 2nd paycheck of the month, I add that lump back into the checking account. From there I've follow the 10% rule. I try to send 10% minimum to each medical bill to stay in good standing. But they don't accrue interest and don't report to credit so it seems silly to pay them off fast while paying 16%-17% interest on a credit card. Then I pull out $50/week for Hubs' fuel for work, $65 biweekly for my fuel, $70/week for Monkey's formula and $50/week for groceries.

For us, we don't use paper towels or napkins, we use cloth and rags. We do have paper towels but I haven't bought a pack in almost a year. They're for the occasional cat mess or traveling. We also cloth diaper. We do use some disposables but they've all been gifted to us, or I only buy them once in a while and save some money from something else to pay for them. I buy kids clothes on sale and again, a lot were gifted. Bear doesn't really need many clothes, he hasn't grown very much in the past year. Monkey on the other hand is growing like a weed. He's already in 3-6 month clothing at the 8.5 week mark. We'll have to buy him new clothes as he keeps growing. I try to buy them off season at a deep discount (think $0.99 for a onesie with an adorable appliqued airplane from Gymboree)

RULE #2 Cut back...way back.
Since having Monkey my fuel costs have plummeted. I'm so exhausted and taking the two kids out is impossible, so I don't go anywhere. We now have central air so we're trying to keep it set high in the daytime. We've also closed most of the vents on the first floor and turn it down lower at night. In the winter our heat is set to 64 and we wear warm clothes. We have bundled cell phones and my mom is on our plan too. We just changed our car insurance to Geico and cut our bill by about $40/month. And now that there are 2 kids, going out to dinner is not fun so eating in has saved us so much money (and headaches). And because we don't go anywhere, we don't really buy much outside of food.

 RULE #3 Acceptance.
In our materialistic consumer based society "I want" is always at the forefront of our minds. Newer cars, newer stuff, newer clothes, newer toys and clothes for the kids, the latest restaurant, cute cloth diapers (okay so maybe this only for the fluff obsessed), and the list could go on and on. Learn to look around and be happy with what you have. Our main car is 3 years old. It's small and fuel efficient. Sure it's a pain to squish everybody in, but seeing the 35.8mpg on our trip a few weeks ago was more than enough incentive. Monkey has minimal toys or clothes that are new because Bear's stuff is more than enough.

One thing that helps me is to calculate how long I'd have to save up to buy something. Think of the cost PRIOR to purchase. Sure, you buy the car and pay $200/month for 5 years. Well, this doesn't seem so bad, you're basically paying to use a car. But if you calculate the payment plus interest you pay about 1.5-2times more for it than the purchase price. However, if you had to save $200/month for 5 years to purchase that car you would probably choose a cheaper model or one with a few miles one it to save some money. Sure, I may want an Ipad, but $500 is a half of a thousand. Which is a huge percentage of our debt. And even once we're debt free, $500 is a half of a thousand, which is a huge percentage of a down payment on a new house.

RULE #4 Combine your faith and your finances.

Matthew 6:24 says "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money." When we're in debt we are serving a master that takes away from our faith in God. We cannot tithe because we're in debt payoff mode, we cannot give to others like we should. We need to commit to God first, family second, ourselves last. Nowhere in there is money.

RULE #5 Create shopping rules.
     Our #1 rule for any shopping is...NEVER go when hungry.
     Create a list and stick to it (but make sure there is always a family treat worked in so you don't    
     feel deprived).
     Choose a meal planning method that works for you.
     Don't impulse buy large purchases.
     Always research and get a few price quotes.
     Ask about price matching.
     And our last steadfast rule is "Before you buy always ask why" Why am I buying this? Why do    
     I feel I need it?

Since I've been gone

I've put 3 offers in on a house that were all rejected
Sold a house
Rented a condo
Gave birth, unmedicated!
Had my 3 week old go into surgery and land in a 4 day hospital stay
Received horrible, mind bending information (I will elaborate later)
Formulated a plan for the future (I will also elaborate on this later)

Hubs and I found a beautiful house that was foreclosed on and needed minimal work. It had a laundry room, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, 2 car garage and an acre of property. Oh and it was only 6 years old! Compared to our home with 3 bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms, 5 acres and 60 years old, it was a huge improvement. Our first offer was thrown out. We put in a second offer and it was rejected. We put in a third offer and the house went to a higher bidder. A few months later we found the house back on the market. Before we could even get to put in an offer, it was under contract. We were devastated, so we went and found a condo down the road and rented. It's a $300 month savings on our mortgage/taxes.

 We sold our house. Unfortunately, our real estate agent was a crook. We asked her time and time again about closing costs etc and she repeatedly quoted us a number that was $6000 lower than it ended up being.

 We're not debt-free anymore. We racked up debt getting the house ready for sale (installing our new furnace, painting, finishing trim and flooring, cleaning, inspections, etc). On top of that we had to purchase things to be ready for our new little boy. And then we had some medical expenses that cropped up. And then, we had to put a security deposit down on the condo. Needless to say, our credit cards crept up and we're once again in debt payoff mode.

And then, we had a beautiful baby boy. Monkey was born 6/3/2012 at 6:04 AM. I'll post a birth story in the near future. And things have been crazy since.

Long time, no....talk?....

A lot has happened in the past few months. More than my brain, heart, and faith could handle. I had to take time away and focus on my family and myself. But, I think I'm back. I look forward to sharing with everyone. Be prepared for big things!

Breathing life into leftovers: Asian Salad

Last weekend Hubs and I headed to the grocery store.  They had pork roast on sale for $1.99/lb so I picked up a pack with 2 in it (about 3.5 lbs).  Fast forward a few days and I found it in the fridge on the bottom shelf.  I was weary about freezing it (a few days may be an understatement) so I roasted them both in the oven with some Montreal Steak Seasoning. We had it for supper with cauliflower and another side I don’t remember.

When Hubs and I were vacationing in Shipshewana, IN we ate a small coffee shop.  I can’t find a link for it, and I can’t remember the name.  I had an Asian chicken salad, which was so fantastic I drool thinking about it.

EDIT:  I found them.  It’s called Morton Street Coffee.

So I decided to try to recreate it.

I made a sweet asian dressing which was kind of morphed between a few recipes I found

Asian Salad (serves 4)

Dressing:
3/4 cup of oil (I used vegetable because I had it on hand.  I think olive would be too strong for this recipe)
3/8 cup of rice vinegar (I used seasoned because that’s what I have)
3/8 c sugar
1 Tbsp soy sauce ( I added this for that asian flavor and a lot of recipes called for salt so I thought this was a good addition)

Salad
1 head of Napa Cabbage (I cut mine into shreds)
1 cup shredded carrots (I like carrots, I only chopped mine because I was lazy)
1/4 cup of sliced almonds (or more if you like)
1/4 dried cranberries
1 cup of diced meat of your choice (I used leftover pork roast and it was fantastic.  I can’t wait to try it with grilled chicken. If you want to keep it vegetarian, skip the meat)

Topping:
1/4 cup sesame sticks

Mix dressing ingredients and whisk or shake so that everything gets emulsified.  Toss with salad ingredients.  Top with sesame sticks.

This was so good.  Hubs and I both had 2 bowls of it, but we only made half this recipe.  Next time I may try adding sunflower seeds for some more nutrition.  I’ve only tried Napa Cabbage once before, it was cooked and I didn’t like it.  But, I wanted to give it the chance to redeem itself. The checkout lady didn’t even know what it was when trying to ring it up.  I’m glad to have added a new vegetable to our repertoire and a new meal to our family’s meal plan.