“You’re doing a good job”…and where that leads me

 

Today was our first visit to a new pediatrician for Monkey.  We visited the practice a week ago for Bear, but saw a different doctor.

This doctor was an amazing resource and we had some great discussion.  He was full of advice and clearly respected my opinion and the knowledge I have of the children.  He also took a lot of Bear’s history into account because they have the same diagnosis.

I giggled at one point when he was examining Monkey and said “He’s the poster boy for hypertonia”.  Monkey is much less affected than Bear, so if he thought Monkey’s tone was high, wait till he meets Bear.

We ended the visit on a good note and with a few vaccines (poor baby, but he was such a champ!).  Then he busts out the “YOU’RE DOING A GOOD JOB.  IF YOU EVER FEEL OVERWHELMED GIVE US A CALL.”  I explained that we have excellent family support and that we’re all working hard and Monkey is doing a great job.  He keeps going with “YOU’RE WORKING SO HARD AND WITHOUT YOU HE WOULDN’T BE GOING THIS FAR.”

This just struck a nerve with me.

1) I just met this practitioner, he doesn’t really have experience with Monkey or anyone with their diagnosis so it just felt like fluff.  Like he was saying it because he should.

2) I’m not doing a GOOD job.  I’m doing MY job.  I am a mother.  I signed on for this role when I got pregnant.  I am going to work my hardest to help my child anyway I can, just like any parent would do.

3) By telling me I’m doing a good job and discussing whether I’m overwhelmed, you are just reminding me that everything I feel is normal, is not.  That what I’m used to is not typical and not easy and it’s hard and never going to be normal.  It’s this lovely roller coaster ride of grief.  I’ve finally gotten through to acceptance, this is my life and I’m going to make it as normal as possible. We are a family, we go to the beach, the amusement park, the pool, the park, we hang out, watch movies, have friends over, etc.  This is NORMAL.  It has to be, because if I’m going to think of myself as “abnormal” or that I have it way tougher than anyone else, the future is a pretty bleak place.  I’ve had to change my viewpoint.  I have 2 children.  They may be different, but they’re still children.  We all still laugh, they have personalities, Monkey loves cupcakes, we all love swimming, we have bad times that are very bad, but we have good times.  And those good times are phenomenal.  Maybe because the bad is so bad that we know “it could be worse” or maybe because we know how far we had to travel to get to the good times that we can appreciate them even more.

4) And yes I’m overwhelmed.  When I picked Monkey up from his stroller, I hugged him tightly to my chest and let myself cry.  I am overwhelmed with love for my babies.  They are each a piece of my heart walking around outside my body.  And I think I love them more than typical parents because of how much they need me. To know that pieces of my heart are encapsulated in less than “typical” bodies is even scarier.  To know that pieces of my heart are going to be stared at, pointed at, possibly discriminated against, mocked and/or ridiculed is overwhelming.  I overwhelmingly love these boys so much, that at times it does hurt.  To know I cannot “fix” their hardships, or let them take the easy route can be heartbreaking.

And then Monkey gigglesnorts (a totally infections giggle/laugh that ends in this super huge snort-probably because he found a morsel of food) and I know, it’s okay. I daresay, normal.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming...

And eventually you'll find the other side!

Bear finally had a great doctor's visit and we don't have to go back for two years!  Yes, this was a pretty insignificant specialist in the grade of Bear's issues however one less doctor is still ONE LESS DOCTOR!

Rain again.  Rain tomorrow.  Blech.  I am so over it. 

More frugal fun though!

Our edition of our library newspaper came out today and I signed us up for two music classes and one storytime.  The other story time has it's registration closed for another month.  So I will call back and schedule then.

The good thing about being "on the in" this time is that we can go to our local library only a few minutes away and the county library.  We don't have to make the twenty minute drive to the one where did our last music class. 

Hubs and I also joined the lake.  Unfortunately we're out of county so it cost $5 more, but $30/person for the entire summer is well worth it.  It costs $4/person each time to go.  So we would have to go 8 times to make it worth it.  Bear is still free.  I don't know how much we will go but I figured having a pass would make me more likely to use it.  We're already planning on going the day after Bear's party, obviously weather permitting.  The good news is that there are two lakes and we can choose to go to either with our passes.  And Bear has been in a few pools already and LOVES the water!

Today isn't a total bust.

It was pouring out this morning as we had a huge thunderstorm pass through. But it's now sunny out while we wait for the next round of storms. It seems that we're in the hole of it, some people around us are getting nailed.

I've got cloth diapers on the line and a baby napping in the crib.

Wait??!!

A baby napping the crib?

Why, yes, yes I do!!!!

For the past 4 days, Bear has decided that napping in the crib is not a plot against him.

He used to go down after about 30 minutes of rocking for naps and would wake at the 30 minute mark (do babies have internal kitchen timers because you could bake a cake to it. It would then take me 30 minutes, if not more, to settle him down and get him back asleep. And we would start the kitchen timer again and repeat. So if you like math as much as I do, that's 60 minutes of sleep and at least 60 minutes (usually more like 90) of effort to put him to sleep.

Last week at some point he was getting fussier and fussier while being rocked to sleep at night. Hubs was getting frustrated so we said, fine, let's put him in the crib with his soother and seahorse on.  We put him down, gave him kisses, said "Night-Night" and left.  He cried for about 2 minutes.  Sort of.  He would escalate to a cry then immediately quiet down.  He rolled side to side pretty vigorously and gradually began to slow down, as did the fussing.  Finally, he was silent for about 2 minutes and slowly turning his head side to side and the next thing we knew, HE WAS SOUND ASLEEP!

Apparently, he's been trying to tell us that he is done with being rocked to sleep.  So now we rock him for a few minutes to get some snuggles in and then we put him down, give kisses, say "Night-Night" and leave.

I have held him for his naps his entire life.  Probably once or twice a month I would put him in the crib to see if the 30 minute nap monster still lived.  So 4 days ago, I was extremely frustrated.  I was trying to get him to go down and he was wiggling and squirming. When I was patting him and rocking him and jiggling him he started laughing at me.  So I told him "Tough luck Bear.  It's nap time."  I got up, put him in his crib, gave him kisses, said "Night-Night" and walked out.  He proceeded to fall asleep in about 2 minutes WITHOUT A PEEP!  He woke up after 12 minutes, cried for 30 seconds and fell back to sleep for an hour.  He then woke up, I gave him a paci and he slept for another 1.5 hours.

Naps have been going well since then, he's better rested and I'm not so touched out at the end of the day.

I can do my chores (blogging) while he naps and we're all happier!

Well that was frustrating...

Blogger deleted all posts made after Wednesday!!!

So my frugal instincts have been having a detrimental effect on my wallet.

Bear is chronically "irritated".  His muscle tone is so tight that he kind of exists on his last nerve for much of the time.  And while he is on medicine to combat it, it's not 100% effective.  Add this irritation to teething and we're in a fussy nightmare. 

So I've been looking into amber teething necklaces and THANKFULLY!!! Bear is only getting his FIRST tooth now so I've had time.

BabyHalfOff had InspiredbyFinn Amber Teething Necklaces on sale for, yep you guessed it, 50% off!
So we're now on the bandwagon.

Tomorrow we have a baby sitter coming (who so graciously volunteered last month) so that Hubs and I can get some work done on the house, for Bear's 1st birthday, in the yard, and run some errands. 

This means I'm on with my own Clean Up Smackdown!

Okay last time I emptied the dishwasher while Bear played on the floor.  Can I empty the dishwasher and dish rack this time?!  And go!!!

Yes I know, I have a sitter coming, so I can clean.  But, I want it to seem like I'm I've got this whole Stay At Home Mom thing down not near as messy as I really am.

I'm just one of those people that falls in the category of last minute inspired procrastinator.  I'm trying to change my ways.  I have cleaning schedules, and home organization guides, etc and for some reason I always choose Bear over schedules.

My home is not DIRTY.  I never let it get that far, but there is usually a pile of clean laundry folded in the living room, dirty bottes on the table waiting to get rinsed for the dishwasher, an unmade bed, and some cat food spilled over the bowl.

What usually happens is it stays this way for a few days week, until I finally get so sick of it that I make Hubs watch Bear for an hour while I do my Clean Up Smackdown.

Today it was supposed to happen during naptime (which is going on currently), however, I forgot to turn on his sound machine.  So I can't clean up much without making noise and waking my baby.

Or I'm just using this as an excuse to sit on my butt and blog and watch terrible afternoon TV.

Or both.......

Happy Mother's Day!!!

It's sunny out for once and it's a beautiful morning!

I'm so grateful to the one person in the entire world who was able to make me a Mama!

I'm also grateful to my husband.  Without him, there would be no Bear.

Love is wonderful!

Thankful Thursday

Sometimes, when life is this chaotic I get so caught up in the moment that I miss sight of the bigger picture.  Times like this, I need to pick out things that make my life what it is, and how thankful I really am.  So it's time for a reminder.

I am thankful for the little baby boy I get to wake up to every morning.

The baby with this crazy hair in the morning.



I am thankful for the husband I get to fall asleep with every night.

I am thankful for all the blessings God has provided to me and my family.  Hubs has a stable job, we have a roof over our head, and more love than is even imaginable.


The farmer who is willing to plow the back 2.5 acres so that we don't have to maintain it this year.

Days like this, that go into memory as some of the most beautiful nights ever.

Life.  I am so thankful that I get to be apart of this.