“You’re doing a good job”…and where that leads me

 

Today was our first visit to a new pediatrician for Monkey.  We visited the practice a week ago for Bear, but saw a different doctor.

This doctor was an amazing resource and we had some great discussion.  He was full of advice and clearly respected my opinion and the knowledge I have of the children.  He also took a lot of Bear’s history into account because they have the same diagnosis.

I giggled at one point when he was examining Monkey and said “He’s the poster boy for hypertonia”.  Monkey is much less affected than Bear, so if he thought Monkey’s tone was high, wait till he meets Bear.

We ended the visit on a good note and with a few vaccines (poor baby, but he was such a champ!).  Then he busts out the “YOU’RE DOING A GOOD JOB.  IF YOU EVER FEEL OVERWHELMED GIVE US A CALL.”  I explained that we have excellent family support and that we’re all working hard and Monkey is doing a great job.  He keeps going with “YOU’RE WORKING SO HARD AND WITHOUT YOU HE WOULDN’T BE GOING THIS FAR.”

This just struck a nerve with me.

1) I just met this practitioner, he doesn’t really have experience with Monkey or anyone with their diagnosis so it just felt like fluff.  Like he was saying it because he should.

2) I’m not doing a GOOD job.  I’m doing MY job.  I am a mother.  I signed on for this role when I got pregnant.  I am going to work my hardest to help my child anyway I can, just like any parent would do.

3) By telling me I’m doing a good job and discussing whether I’m overwhelmed, you are just reminding me that everything I feel is normal, is not.  That what I’m used to is not typical and not easy and it’s hard and never going to be normal.  It’s this lovely roller coaster ride of grief.  I’ve finally gotten through to acceptance, this is my life and I’m going to make it as normal as possible. We are a family, we go to the beach, the amusement park, the pool, the park, we hang out, watch movies, have friends over, etc.  This is NORMAL.  It has to be, because if I’m going to think of myself as “abnormal” or that I have it way tougher than anyone else, the future is a pretty bleak place.  I’ve had to change my viewpoint.  I have 2 children.  They may be different, but they’re still children.  We all still laugh, they have personalities, Monkey loves cupcakes, we all love swimming, we have bad times that are very bad, but we have good times.  And those good times are phenomenal.  Maybe because the bad is so bad that we know “it could be worse” or maybe because we know how far we had to travel to get to the good times that we can appreciate them even more.

4) And yes I’m overwhelmed.  When I picked Monkey up from his stroller, I hugged him tightly to my chest and let myself cry.  I am overwhelmed with love for my babies.  They are each a piece of my heart walking around outside my body.  And I think I love them more than typical parents because of how much they need me. To know that pieces of my heart are encapsulated in less than “typical” bodies is even scarier.  To know that pieces of my heart are going to be stared at, pointed at, possibly discriminated against, mocked and/or ridiculed is overwhelming.  I overwhelmingly love these boys so much, that at times it does hurt.  To know I cannot “fix” their hardships, or let them take the easy route can be heartbreaking.

And then Monkey gigglesnorts (a totally infections giggle/laugh that ends in this super huge snort-probably because he found a morsel of food) and I know, it’s okay. I daresay, normal.

When did tomorrow become last week?

I can’t even say that tomorrow became yesterday because time is flying so fast.   We had house guests this past weekend and we spent some time down in Amish Country.

Mama got a new toy!  I’ve had a garage sale drying rack that I took to college with me (in 2002, and it wasn’t new then) that’s been slowly falling apart.  The plastic has dry-rotted, the legs are bent and it wobbles like crazy!  These were on special for July and we got an extra 10% off…Now I wish we had gotten 2!

Life goes so quickly lately.  Between working and therapy and the beautiful weather it seems like before I know it, it’s Monday again.

We’ve got a little Bear trying to be mobile.  His new “trick” is rolling himself up in the blanket he’s laying on and scooting/wiggling across the floor. 

Now that someone (named Bear) is finally starting to get eating (we’re on thick purees now) I’ve given up buying baby food.  I used to just buy it, he would only go through a jar or two a week and I really didn’t have the energy to make it.  Now he goes through 2-4 jars A DAY so I hated all the waste.  We went to our local grocery store and I got ripe bananas (on the last chance cart) for $0.39/lb!  I also bought him some sweet potatoes and carrots.  My biggest task is going to be getting him to try new foods.  So far MOST fruits are a go, while anything green must be poison.

Bear has adjusted well to working.  I think he naps better there than at home.  Yesterday, I baked 4 loaves of break and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies (if you’re wondering, Yes, I’m still gluten-free) which was such a learning experience.  I have never kneaded bread by hand, and I haven’t made cookies without the use of a KitchenAid mixer in more than 5 years, so it was a great workout!  I received the stamp of approval and was pleased that all my effort didn’t have to go into the trash.

After days of 100* weather and higher (with the heat index, humidity was in the upper 70%) the Lord has indeed promised good.  I was treated to this beautiful sky while hanging laundry out earlier.


I was listening to the radio the other day and Gary Allan’s “Life Ain’t Always Beautiful” came on.  And while it usually has me clenching my teeth at the use of “ain’t” and changing the channel as fast as I can, this time I listened.

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day
But the struggles makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' it sweet time

And I cried.  Writing it now brings a tear to my eye.  Because for me some of the most beautiful moments in my life has been the hardest, the most gut-wrenching.  I brought a beautiful baby boy into this world and he was ripped apart from me.  We were about to go home and the next thing we know we’re rushing to a NICU. 

There were days I thought of adoption because he screamed so much.  I thought that surely it meant I was a horrible, horrible mother and that someone else could be doing a much better job for him.  Then I was reassured by lots and lots of other (multiple time) parents that some babies cry no matter what we try to do for them.  And now I have this beautiful HAPPY baby boy.  The happiness took it’s own 9 months to grow, but man did it deliver.  I have struggled with becoming a mother, I have struggled with my own accomplishments and my own abilities.  I have changed my WHOLE life for one little boy.  And at the end of the day?  I’m happier.  Happier than I ever dreamed was possible.

I pray that everyone in the midst of whatever their personal struggles be, can hold onto hope that happiness WILL come.

Just when you think you're starting to climb out the other side

Grief comes back in full swing.
I KNOW it takes a while but with this new round of genetic testing the reality of the situation is very scary.
They're testing for a lot of very scary disorders.  By very scary, I mean fatal. 

The worst part?

Results can take up to 4 months.  4 months?! Yes, 4 months.  4 months of not focusing on my little guy who could be very sick, but instead focusing on my little guy who is moving mountains.  He's rolling with enthusiasm and has figured out how to move on his back by shimming and pushing with his feet.  Granted, it's not the RIGHT way, but it's something.

I feel like I have two file cabinets in my brain.  One filled of all the information I learned PRE-Bear.  Calculus, Statistics, Statics, Machine Design, PLC, Thermodynamics (I majored in engineering), how long to cook a chicken, best way to clean a microwave, etc.

Then there is filing cabinet #2.  It's one of those big monstrous ugly gray office ones.  Not the pretty wood, blend into your decor ones.  And it's filled with files of Bear. Microcephaly, Sandifer's Syndrome, hypertonia, hyperreflexia, GERD, Failure to Thrive, Lumbar Puncture, Neurotransmitter Diseases, Lysosomal Enzyme Screens, Metabolic Disorders, Mitochondrial Disorders, X-Linked Genetic Disorder, Prevacid (generic Lansoprazole), Baclofen, Valium (generic Diazepam), Propofol, Versed, MRI's, CT Scans, unknown etiology, NICU, and the list goes on.

These aren't files that I ever thought I would need.

And ya know what that bottom drawer is filled with?
One file folder.  Labeled : Fatal Disorders.  And you know what's in that file folder?  NOTHING.
Because I can't imagine my life without my son.  I can't imagine the moment of receiving that diagnosis.  Heck I can't even type it without tears rolling down my cheeks much less actually think or learn about it.

I have a rare genetic orthopaedic disorder.  I've known about it for 4.5 years now (despite having it my whole life) and I can still barely grasp the concept.  Thinking that my little guy may not be permanently mine is just unbearable.

It makes me want to pack him up and run.  Run somewhere safe, somewhere that I can't be reached.  Because, surely, if you cannot receive test results then they don't exist.

You'd find us here, marveling at the view. 

Life has given me lemons.  I'm not quite sure I'm able to make lemonade just yet.  I might need to find some raspberries.  Mmmm...then I'd be able to make raspberry lemonade.

Denial.

My little baby boy is turning 1 in 1 week. This surely cannot be true.  I cannot believe that we survived this first year.  I cannot believe what it has turned into.  I cannot believe the human capability for love.  I mean, I love my husband, but I cannot even begin to express the love I have for my son.  It is extraordinary.

Speaking of little boys, there is one in this house that I thought fell back to sleep just now.  I turn on the video monitor and what do I see?  Him playing with the stuffed toys we have in there so he stops banging his head into the crib rails. Apparently, they are much more fun than sleeping.

We have a semi-crazy week here.  More therapy in an hour and then cleaning.  We have a graduation party this weekend, and then guests will  start arriving for the week.  Today is our last day of therapy until the 9th.  I planned it this way because of having house guests and his party, then a major doctors appointment, I felt we just needed a break.

Where did this little baby go?  There's no way this was almost a YEAR ago.  This was his second day in the NICU.

Gluten - You Fiend!

So, I was doing well on my gluten-free diet (here and here) and had a CRAVING for some cake.  Of course it was amazing bakery cake that my neighbor dropped off and was sitting there taunting me.  TAUNTING ME I TELL YOU!.

So I've slipped a couple bites of gluten in the past few weeks with no ill side effects.  So I stupidly convince myself to eat the cake with Hubs.

Fast forward to today.  I have a serious headache, I feel hungover.  I am angry, irritable, depressed, moody.  I yelled at Bear and then left the room to bawl my eyes out.

Methinks gluten is no good!  So for now I'm going to take a relaxing bath while Bear naps in his crib and just try to keep my cool for the rest of today.

So far my breakfast has been gluten free and I've got dinner in the crockpot.

CrockPot Pot Roast
1 Large Vidalia Onion
about 2 lbs potatoes (I used about 5 medium potatoes)
3 lb chuck roast, top round, bottom round (whatever cut of meat you prefer, just make sure it has some fat, it will help keep your meat moist)
Carrots - I actually didn't put any in because I was positive I had a whole bag, and yep they're not there
McCormick Montreal Steak Seasoning (If you're GF read the labels!  This is one of the only premixed seasonings I buy.  And this time I got a huge low sodium one from the dented can store for $1!)

I used a 6qt crockpot

1) Peel and quarter vidalia onion, lay in bottom of crock pot.
2) Slice each potato into 3 or 4 pieces and lay in with onion in crock pot.
3) Peel and quarter carrots and add to crockpot
4) Lay meat on top of vegetables and pour 3/4 c of water in
5) Sprinkle seasoning all over the top of meat and sprinkle a little bit over the veggies.  I put it on the veggies to so it mixes with the water.
6) Cover and cook on low 6-8 hours, or high 3-4.  I prefer on low, it is a slow cooker after all.  If your meat is frozen just cook on low 8-10 hours, it helps to start on low so the meat can thaw before it starts to cook.

Today isn't a total bust.

It was pouring out this morning as we had a huge thunderstorm pass through. But it's now sunny out while we wait for the next round of storms. It seems that we're in the hole of it, some people around us are getting nailed.

I've got cloth diapers on the line and a baby napping in the crib.

Wait??!!

A baby napping the crib?

Why, yes, yes I do!!!!

For the past 4 days, Bear has decided that napping in the crib is not a plot against him.

He used to go down after about 30 minutes of rocking for naps and would wake at the 30 minute mark (do babies have internal kitchen timers because you could bake a cake to it. It would then take me 30 minutes, if not more, to settle him down and get him back asleep. And we would start the kitchen timer again and repeat. So if you like math as much as I do, that's 60 minutes of sleep and at least 60 minutes (usually more like 90) of effort to put him to sleep.

Last week at some point he was getting fussier and fussier while being rocked to sleep at night. Hubs was getting frustrated so we said, fine, let's put him in the crib with his soother and seahorse on.  We put him down, gave him kisses, said "Night-Night" and left.  He cried for about 2 minutes.  Sort of.  He would escalate to a cry then immediately quiet down.  He rolled side to side pretty vigorously and gradually began to slow down, as did the fussing.  Finally, he was silent for about 2 minutes and slowly turning his head side to side and the next thing we knew, HE WAS SOUND ASLEEP!

Apparently, he's been trying to tell us that he is done with being rocked to sleep.  So now we rock him for a few minutes to get some snuggles in and then we put him down, give kisses, say "Night-Night" and leave.

I have held him for his naps his entire life.  Probably once or twice a month I would put him in the crib to see if the 30 minute nap monster still lived.  So 4 days ago, I was extremely frustrated.  I was trying to get him to go down and he was wiggling and squirming. When I was patting him and rocking him and jiggling him he started laughing at me.  So I told him "Tough luck Bear.  It's nap time."  I got up, put him in his crib, gave him kisses, said "Night-Night" and walked out.  He proceeded to fall asleep in about 2 minutes WITHOUT A PEEP!  He woke up after 12 minutes, cried for 30 seconds and fell back to sleep for an hour.  He then woke up, I gave him a paci and he slept for another 1.5 hours.

Naps have been going well since then, he's better rested and I'm not so touched out at the end of the day.

I can do my chores (blogging) while he naps and we're all happier!

Well that was frustrating...

Blogger deleted all posts made after Wednesday!!!

So my frugal instincts have been having a detrimental effect on my wallet.

Bear is chronically "irritated".  His muscle tone is so tight that he kind of exists on his last nerve for much of the time.  And while he is on medicine to combat it, it's not 100% effective.  Add this irritation to teething and we're in a fussy nightmare. 

So I've been looking into amber teething necklaces and THANKFULLY!!! Bear is only getting his FIRST tooth now so I've had time.

BabyHalfOff had InspiredbyFinn Amber Teething Necklaces on sale for, yep you guessed it, 50% off!
So we're now on the bandwagon.

Tomorrow we have a baby sitter coming (who so graciously volunteered last month) so that Hubs and I can get some work done on the house, for Bear's 1st birthday, in the yard, and run some errands. 

This means I'm on with my own Clean Up Smackdown!

Okay last time I emptied the dishwasher while Bear played on the floor.  Can I empty the dishwasher and dish rack this time?!  And go!!!

Yes I know, I have a sitter coming, so I can clean.  But, I want it to seem like I'm I've got this whole Stay At Home Mom thing down not near as messy as I really am.

I'm just one of those people that falls in the category of last minute inspired procrastinator.  I'm trying to change my ways.  I have cleaning schedules, and home organization guides, etc and for some reason I always choose Bear over schedules.

My home is not DIRTY.  I never let it get that far, but there is usually a pile of clean laundry folded in the living room, dirty bottes on the table waiting to get rinsed for the dishwasher, an unmade bed, and some cat food spilled over the bowl.

What usually happens is it stays this way for a few days week, until I finally get so sick of it that I make Hubs watch Bear for an hour while I do my Clean Up Smackdown.

Today it was supposed to happen during naptime (which is going on currently), however, I forgot to turn on his sound machine.  So I can't clean up much without making noise and waking my baby.

Or I'm just using this as an excuse to sit on my butt and blog and watch terrible afternoon TV.

Or both.......

Happy Mother's Day!!!

It's sunny out for once and it's a beautiful morning!

I'm so grateful to the one person in the entire world who was able to make me a Mama!

I'm also grateful to my husband.  Without him, there would be no Bear.

Love is wonderful!

Wow, I'm a slacker.

I have been neither crafty nor cheap this week.  In fact, the amount of pajamas I've been wearing probably isn't classy.

This weather has got me in a major funk.  Yesterday was raining (for about the 100th day in a row, literally, it was 40 degrees) so Bear and I headed out to replace his cloth diapers.  I ended up spending $111.  Hubs was livid!  He said I had just bought diapers and that this certainly wasn't cost effective anymore.

Then I told him that I sold the other diapers, and a few other things to cover the cost of the new diapers.

Then he was okay with it. 

So maybe that was sort of frugal.  Instead of just blowing money and saying "charge it" I actually took the time and made the money first.  I am $15 short, however I have one more thing to sell, for $15. 

Yesterday finally cleared up so I took up our new mower and got to work.  The grass was about 8" tall and (probably to the joyful screams of our neighbor) I finally had a chance to mow.  Unfortunately it looks terrible because the ground is so saturated that the mower left "ruts" in the lawn and I didn't finish it.  I only had an hour and we have about 2.5 acres to mow. I did the side next to our neighbor who takes very good care of his lawn so it would look better. 

Our ground is so wet here that when you step on the driveway (it's gravel) water oozes out.  The ditches on either side of the road are almost full to the top and some roads are flooded over. 

Thank the Lord with joyful praise that there isn't a cloud in the sky today.  However, the next nice day we're supposed to have is next Sunday.  Not this Sunday, May 8, NEXT Sunday. 

It's got me in such a funk.  It's such a pain to get out of the house, yet sitting in the house when it's dark and damp gets me depressed.  I just want some sunshine and some warmth.  Despite the cloudless sky, it's 40 degrees out, and we still have frost. 

Where did spring go?  Can someone please go find it and bring it back?!

Bear - Finally Home and the Future

The one thing that has saved me when wading through the special needs mud, is that I just want him to be happy. If he need me forever, then at least I'll make him happy.

But then, no matter what I did, he didn't stop screaming. I felt like a failure as a mother. He screamed all night, he screamed all day. He screamed if I rocked him, if I put him in the carseat, if I wore him, if I put him in a stroller, if I held him, if I put him in the swing, no matter what I did. Literally.

People who have never had a colicky baby really can't even begin to imagine the mental game this is. It's not just a baby that cries. It is a baby that screams with blood-curdling volume, that makes your soul shatter. You are this baby's mother. They're supposed to know you. To calm with your voice, to snuggle into that crook in your arm.

And there you are, snuggling your baby and they're screaming. Screaming like you are murdering them with your touch.

I heard the words "postpartum depression" thrown out a lot. I really don't believe I had/have that. Because the days that my son had that were good, the moments when he smiled for the first time, when he rolled over the first time, I loved him enough that I could cry. I felt bonded to my child from the moment I met him. However, when your ears are ringing for the few hours a day he isn't screaming, it is literal torture. I did have angry thoughts. I never wanted to harm him (AND I NEVER DID) but I would pray and pray that he would stop screaming. There were plenty of times I had to lay him in his crib and go in the car (the only place I couldn't hear him) and cry my eyes out. I would bring the monitor and put it on mute.

The guilt, that I did something to cause this was unbelievable.  We had a few hospitalizations, hernias and failure to thrive, and we had an enormous amount of tests done. Watching them, poke, draw blood, give shots, and sedate my little baby was so difficult.  I then felt guilty that whatever I did was causing him to need all this testing.

On top of all this, he didn't sleep.  Hubs and I slept in shifts.  One of us would sleep in bed, while the other held Bear in the living room.  He would wake every 30 minutes, wincing, writhing in pain, screaming.  We would pat him, rock him, bounce him and walk with him.  Then after 5 hours we would switch. 

Finally around 5 months the screaming improved.  We finally stopped giving him the formula the doctors demanded he needed and the nighttime sleep improved.  We followed Ferber's recommendation for amount of sleep and his nighttime sleep improved.  He would wake about every 1-3 hours. 

Around 8 months the screaming had subsided.  He is still easily frustrated and very demanding, but better.  He has bad days however they're few and far apart.  He still has testing, undergoes a sedated lumbar puncture, had therapy, follow up appointments, and we finally get a new medicine.

The first night he was given it, he slept in 4 hour increments.  The next week, woke 1 time all night.
Heaven in a bottle.  At the end of the first month we ran out before we could refill it, and he was back up every hour.  They can pry this medicine out of my cold dead hands.  I will never give it up.

They still don't know what's going on with Bear.  He will have another MRI in a few months.  His motor skills are severely delayed.  However, cognitively he is all there.  He laughs, he yells, he blows raspberries.  He has favorite toys, he has toys he's afraid of. 

But most importantly, he seems happy.  He has this adorable smile, with a humongous dimple in his right cheek, and this silly laugh.  It literally melts my heart to hear it.

The guilt is still there, though I'm slowly climbing out of it.  My biggest regret is not advocating for my son's needs effectively.  I would request different nurses, different tests, different procedures.  But that's in the past, and I cannot change it.  I can simply learn from it.  That doesn't mean my anger over the situation has resolved, it simply means my anger with myself is resolving.

So instead, I focus on the future.  Bear has a Guinness Book of Records attempt in his baby book and it's just the start.

My little guy is going to move mountains.  Just you wait and see.

Bear - The NICU

We stayed in that NICU for a long 9 days.  I know mom's of preemies were in for hundreds of days are going to balk at the "long 9 days" portion.  However, we were surrounded by babies that were 1/4 the size of Bear (he was 9lbs) that were much sicker.  Bear never had a seizure that they ever saw.  He just didn't know how to eat.  Because of his low level of need, we were stuck in a corner.  We were pretty much left unattended unless some new nurse decided she needed to demand her expertise, which was highly uninformed.

We felt out of place in an area with babies that needed so much attention, mom's who couldn't even hold their babies.  In the beginning the neonatologists just kept saying this was the result of a traumatic birth.  It would improve.  Then he had microcephaly and could be severely delayed.  Then he had a brain injury.  Then it was that I did recreational drugs, despite my adamant responses  that I hadn't even been near a drug.  Then it was a genetic disorder.  Then it was an in utero infection.

Add this rollercoaster of emotion to the postpartum hormones and you would find me.  The twenty minute ride home every day I would burst into tears.  I would hand my baby back to a nurse that I just saw ignoring a crying baby for twenty minutes so she could check her email.  Then I would get home, pump in an empty nursery, see my empty carseat, and go to bed with just my husband.  I never felt more split apart.

I had an enormous amount of guilt.  As mothers our first instinct is to feel guilty.  When our child is sick, we feel guilty that we cannot make them feel better, when our child gets hurt we feel guilty that we cannot heal them and remove the sting. 

My son was in a NICU all alone and I felt guilty I couldn't be there 24 hours a day.  I believe every NICU mom feels this.  Add to that, I could have done this to my son.  I could have done something during pregnancy that damaged his brain.  Was is that warm bath?  Did I have an infection I didn't know about? Was it those 2 sips of wine I had?  What if God gave me a perfect baby and I did something selfish and ruined it?

The what if's could eat me alive, and they still could if I let them. 

Finally on day 12 of his life we were finally allowed to bring our baby home.  However, I didn't bring home a newborn, I brought home a baby who learned a schedule in the NICU, wasn't sleepy all day, and screamed nonstop.

How I Recover

Yesterday was a rough day. I bawled my eyes out and went to bed feeling like a failure.  Hubs did night duty (I have no idea what I would without him, seriously) and I went to bed in an effort to make today a better day.

So today I vowed to have a day to recover. 

1) The Lord hears prayers and I get out of bed at 7:30 and Bear is still asleep.

2) Make the bed.  For some reason a fresh made bed just instantly makes me feel better.  Don't judge my decor, it's a new comforter and I have yet to buy new matching bedding and curtains.


3) Half unload the dishwasher, those darn plastics take forever to dry!


4) Get the washer and dryer both empty from last night's laundry showdown



























5) Deep clean the kitchen table


7) It's almost 9 AM and Bear finally wakes up.  Go get him, change his diaper, give him medicine and put him on the floor to play.

8) Sit down and enjoy this

 While he watches the baby


So that I can do a little of this


Cleaning is so therapeutic to me.  It feels like every mark I wash away, every bit of garbage is another stressor gone from my life.  Every time we donate to Goodwill I feel as though I have a little more room to breathe again.  I love having enough stuff so that my home works for me, but not enough stuff so that I feel crowded.

Today is a much better day.  Bear is sick and vomited all over me and himself, so I bathed him and have another load of laundry going.  I made a loaf of bread (that unfortunately collapsed a bit) and tidied up a bit more.

Sometimes, when it rains and pours.   And sometimes, you can't do anything but play in the puddles.

The not so nice side of motherhood

I'm bawling my eyes out.

I've hit my limit.  Bear woke up at 5AM for the second day in a row.  A full 3-4 hours before his waking time has been lately.  He then napped from 10-10:45AM. End.

I tried to put him down to nap for 2 hours, he refused.  No matter what I did.  And now, Hubs puts him to bed like usual (albeit an hour early at 7) and he runs to the store to get a valve for our pipe.  Of course the half bath decides to start leaking today!

Not even ten minutes later and Bear is back up screaming.  I go in, try to soothe him, and it doesn't work.  So I pick him up to rock him and he is wide awake staring at me.  I lost it.  I seriously started sobbing unbelievably, I'm just at my wits end with him today.  I haven't been able to do anything right.  No matter what, if I put him on the floor to play he wanted to be held.  If I held him he wanted down.  If I put him in the swing for a few minutes he screamed like I was murdering him.  I am so tired.

I have no idea why I can't sleep at night but last night I slept from 11-3 then was up till at least 4:30 then Bear was up at 5 and I managed to nap till 6 when Hubs had to get up.

I am thoroughly emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted today.  So, I put him in his crib where he cried, babbled and then yelled at me while I bawled my eyes out in the living room waiting for Hubs to get home.  All I want to do is take a long bath and go to bed.  BUT, the dishes need washing and a load of laundry has to get started.

However, we can't do anything until Hubs fixes the pipe in the bathroom so we can turn the water back on.

Cue more sobbing.

This is why my schedule needs fixing.  At 4:30 I went and walked around Wal-Mart.  I did have the excuse we needed cat food.  But mostly, it would occupy Bear while we waited for Hubs to get home. I literally was getting more exhausted and closer to the verge of tears with each step. I made it home to find out Hubs ended up working an extra 20 minutes late and I almost fell apart. 

I think it's about time I head to the doctor for a physical to find out why I'm so tired all the time, no matter what.

This is the unglamorous side of motherhood that people don't tell you about.