Friday, January 27, 2012

Hello, out there.

Life has been viciously keeping me busy and occupied.  A lot has happened since I last wrote here.

Bear has begun crawling!  I literally cried when he got up on all four’s and crawled out of the living room.  He also hasn’t had a fever in 2 months and unfortunately one popped up on Monday.

The Botox has been a miracle drug here.   Unfortunately, it was far from the cheap aspect of our lives and we’ve been struggling with our medical debt.

This past Monday we were hit hard.  With a stomach virus.  I don’t think I’ve ever been that sick in my LIFE.  I ended up in the ER two times (IN THE SAME DAY) for fluids and anti-nausea meds so that I could keep something down.

Hubs came down with it Tuesday night just in time for our big ultrasound.

Speaking of our big ultrasound, our little baby showed off the goods in about 3 seconds.


I don’t know how to feel.  I yelled at Hubs the other night when he was saying “Well God surely won’t make us have another special needs baby.”.  I had to yell at him.  We’ve been saying the same thing for years and miraculously it’s never worked.  Surely he would give us a break and Bear would be fine, nope he has a genetic mutation that causes all of his issues.  Surely I won’t be a carrier.  Nope, I’m a carrier.  Surely this baby will be a girl so we can have a break from worry.  Nope, it’s a boy.

I can’t do it anymore. 

I can honestly say I’m 100% thrilled to have another boy.  I love boy stuff, I love blue and tan and trucks and planes.  But, I’m not 100% thrilled that I get to spend the next 4.5 months worrying about this baby.  If it was a girl, I would be almost free of this worry.  She wouldn’t have a 50/50 chance of being affected like Bear.  But this baby does.  I may be incubating another special needs child.  I may be bringing into this world another child that is going to struggle on a daily basis, is going to work harder than most people ever will just to still be behind. 

I’m going to be honest.  I’m petrified.  I’m petrified to love this little guy because I’m so scared of getting my heart broken.  I’m petrified of having a typical son, that I won’t know what to do, or I won’t be enough.  I’m petrified of Bear becoming second best having a typical brother.  I’m scared of people judging me if I have two special needs sons so close in age.  I’m scared of the day when everyone starts asking about Bear as his little brother because of his size and lack of skills. 

I’m not so sure how to swallow this news.  It is what it is, I can’t make him be a girl and I can’t erase these founded fears. 

Our other big news is, we’re selling our home.  Our home is a ranch. However, it’s not on a flat lot so our garage is in the basement and our stairs are very narrow and steep.  The hallways are narrow and have lots of turns.  This will not work for Bear in the long term.  We hope to be able to assist him in becoming mobile but the reality is that he will always need some sort of assisting equipment.  While Bear is still young and small (meaning we can carry him up and down stairs and in and out of the car) we are going to move into a rental.

Our hope is to get all our medical bills paid off and some money back in our savings so we’re not so strapped for cash when surprise bills roll in.  We’ll probably rent somewhere local for a year and then decide on our next move.

Hubs’ work is changing.  They’re making him work a different shift.  While this is okay for now and will probably work out well when we have a new baby, it’s not ideal for the long term.

Our family is in limbo right now just cleaning and decluttering our home getting ready to sell.

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