Follow up

Back in August I wrote a wish list for my son. They're all things that his hypertonia and genetic disorder make difficult and possibly impossible.

Well, I'd like to update that list today because I feel I owe it to Bear to show how he has proved everyone wrong.

The Wish List of a Special Needs Mom

1) To see my son take a step, even if it’s assisted in a gait trainer. I'm happy to report that Bear has taken off walking in his gait trainer.  We walk around the complex, around his school, and he is just on the go.

2) To hear the word “Mama” even if it’s not directed at me.

3) To be able to pack cute Bento lunches for him because he still hasn’t figured out chewing.

4) To have him develop separation anxiety because sometimes it feels like he doesn’t know I’m Mama.

5) The only needles my son will endure are vaccines.

6) To be able to use a restaurant high chair, because he still cannot sit unsupported.  Bear now sits in shopping carts and restaurant high chairs.  We only use ones with buckles or straps because he doesn't do very well with righting himself and catching himself.  He also sits completely unsupported and crawls and is starting to cruise furniture.

7) To not have tears at the scariness of the unknown future.  

Number 7.  I wish I could say the tears have stopped.  But they haven't.  However, they've changed.  They've grown, they've matured, they've found new homes and new paths.  I'm not crying at the fear of future although I still cry at the unknown.  I'm crying because my son has sat up for the first time at 18 months.  I'm crying because I've got 2 awful genetic mutations that have done this to him. However, I'm unscathed.  I cry because I would do ANYTHING to take the suffering Bear goes through away and bear it myself.  I cry because no matter how hard I try, I can't take it away.  I cry, because that little boy is mine.  That stubborn little boy who they said would never sit or crawl, and probably never walk.  That little boy that is proving them all wrong.  I cry because he's teaching me to move mountains, to push my hardest and to never give up even when the odds are stacked against you.

Money Management, our beginning steps

Is it ironic that I'm in some pretty deep debt and yet writing a post about money management? Well maybe, but I've learned a lot from being in debt. Especially, when it seems easier to pull the towel over your eyes.

RULE #1 That heinous B word....No not that one!
Budget.
Unless you know what money is coming in and going out, then you'll never know how much to spend or save. And if you're spending more than you're bringing in, you'll never get out of debt.

For the past 3 months I've been saving every receipt and recording everything we purchase. I just use a simple excel spreadsheet and record how much our rent is, car insurance, average utilities, and any other fixed bills (I pay $100/month to the hospital for Monkey's Delivery). Every paycheck I take out half of those costs and send it to savings so we don't accidentally spend it. When we get Hubs' 2nd paycheck of the month, I add that lump back into the checking account. From there I've follow the 10% rule. I try to send 10% minimum to each medical bill to stay in good standing. But they don't accrue interest and don't report to credit so it seems silly to pay them off fast while paying 16%-17% interest on a credit card. Then I pull out $50/week for Hubs' fuel for work, $65 biweekly for my fuel, $70/week for Monkey's formula and $50/week for groceries.

For us, we don't use paper towels or napkins, we use cloth and rags. We do have paper towels but I haven't bought a pack in almost a year. They're for the occasional cat mess or traveling. We also cloth diaper. We do use some disposables but they've all been gifted to us, or I only buy them once in a while and save some money from something else to pay for them. I buy kids clothes on sale and again, a lot were gifted. Bear doesn't really need many clothes, he hasn't grown very much in the past year. Monkey on the other hand is growing like a weed. He's already in 3-6 month clothing at the 8.5 week mark. We'll have to buy him new clothes as he keeps growing. I try to buy them off season at a deep discount (think $0.99 for a onesie with an adorable appliqued airplane from Gymboree)

RULE #2 Cut back...way back.
Since having Monkey my fuel costs have plummeted. I'm so exhausted and taking the two kids out is impossible, so I don't go anywhere. We now have central air so we're trying to keep it set high in the daytime. We've also closed most of the vents on the first floor and turn it down lower at night. In the winter our heat is set to 64 and we wear warm clothes. We have bundled cell phones and my mom is on our plan too. We just changed our car insurance to Geico and cut our bill by about $40/month. And now that there are 2 kids, going out to dinner is not fun so eating in has saved us so much money (and headaches). And because we don't go anywhere, we don't really buy much outside of food.

 RULE #3 Acceptance.
In our materialistic consumer based society "I want" is always at the forefront of our minds. Newer cars, newer stuff, newer clothes, newer toys and clothes for the kids, the latest restaurant, cute cloth diapers (okay so maybe this only for the fluff obsessed), and the list could go on and on. Learn to look around and be happy with what you have. Our main car is 3 years old. It's small and fuel efficient. Sure it's a pain to squish everybody in, but seeing the 35.8mpg on our trip a few weeks ago was more than enough incentive. Monkey has minimal toys or clothes that are new because Bear's stuff is more than enough.

One thing that helps me is to calculate how long I'd have to save up to buy something. Think of the cost PRIOR to purchase. Sure, you buy the car and pay $200/month for 5 years. Well, this doesn't seem so bad, you're basically paying to use a car. But if you calculate the payment plus interest you pay about 1.5-2times more for it than the purchase price. However, if you had to save $200/month for 5 years to purchase that car you would probably choose a cheaper model or one with a few miles one it to save some money. Sure, I may want an Ipad, but $500 is a half of a thousand. Which is a huge percentage of our debt. And even once we're debt free, $500 is a half of a thousand, which is a huge percentage of a down payment on a new house.

RULE #4 Combine your faith and your finances.

Matthew 6:24 says "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money." When we're in debt we are serving a master that takes away from our faith in God. We cannot tithe because we're in debt payoff mode, we cannot give to others like we should. We need to commit to God first, family second, ourselves last. Nowhere in there is money.

RULE #5 Create shopping rules.
     Our #1 rule for any shopping is...NEVER go when hungry.
     Create a list and stick to it (but make sure there is always a family treat worked in so you don't    
     feel deprived).
     Choose a meal planning method that works for you.
     Don't impulse buy large purchases.
     Always research and get a few price quotes.
     Ask about price matching.
     And our last steadfast rule is "Before you buy always ask why" Why am I buying this? Why do    
     I feel I need it?

Since I've been gone

I've put 3 offers in on a house that were all rejected
Sold a house
Rented a condo
Gave birth, unmedicated!
Had my 3 week old go into surgery and land in a 4 day hospital stay
Received horrible, mind bending information (I will elaborate later)
Formulated a plan for the future (I will also elaborate on this later)

Hubs and I found a beautiful house that was foreclosed on and needed minimal work. It had a laundry room, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, 2 car garage and an acre of property. Oh and it was only 6 years old! Compared to our home with 3 bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms, 5 acres and 60 years old, it was a huge improvement. Our first offer was thrown out. We put in a second offer and it was rejected. We put in a third offer and the house went to a higher bidder. A few months later we found the house back on the market. Before we could even get to put in an offer, it was under contract. We were devastated, so we went and found a condo down the road and rented. It's a $300 month savings on our mortgage/taxes.

 We sold our house. Unfortunately, our real estate agent was a crook. We asked her time and time again about closing costs etc and she repeatedly quoted us a number that was $6000 lower than it ended up being.

 We're not debt-free anymore. We racked up debt getting the house ready for sale (installing our new furnace, painting, finishing trim and flooring, cleaning, inspections, etc). On top of that we had to purchase things to be ready for our new little boy. And then we had some medical expenses that cropped up. And then, we had to put a security deposit down on the condo. Needless to say, our credit cards crept up and we're once again in debt payoff mode.

And then, we had a beautiful baby boy. Monkey was born 6/3/2012 at 6:04 AM. I'll post a birth story in the near future. And things have been crazy since.

Long time, no....talk?....

A lot has happened in the past few months. More than my brain, heart, and faith could handle. I had to take time away and focus on my family and myself. But, I think I'm back. I look forward to sharing with everyone. Be prepared for big things!

Breathing life into leftovers: Asian Salad

Last weekend Hubs and I headed to the grocery store.  They had pork roast on sale for $1.99/lb so I picked up a pack with 2 in it (about 3.5 lbs).  Fast forward a few days and I found it in the fridge on the bottom shelf.  I was weary about freezing it (a few days may be an understatement) so I roasted them both in the oven with some Montreal Steak Seasoning. We had it for supper with cauliflower and another side I don’t remember.

When Hubs and I were vacationing in Shipshewana, IN we ate a small coffee shop.  I can’t find a link for it, and I can’t remember the name.  I had an Asian chicken salad, which was so fantastic I drool thinking about it.

EDIT:  I found them.  It’s called Morton Street Coffee.

So I decided to try to recreate it.

I made a sweet asian dressing which was kind of morphed between a few recipes I found

Asian Salad (serves 4)

Dressing:
3/4 cup of oil (I used vegetable because I had it on hand.  I think olive would be too strong for this recipe)
3/8 cup of rice vinegar (I used seasoned because that’s what I have)
3/8 c sugar
1 Tbsp soy sauce ( I added this for that asian flavor and a lot of recipes called for salt so I thought this was a good addition)

Salad
1 head of Napa Cabbage (I cut mine into shreds)
1 cup shredded carrots (I like carrots, I only chopped mine because I was lazy)
1/4 cup of sliced almonds (or more if you like)
1/4 dried cranberries
1 cup of diced meat of your choice (I used leftover pork roast and it was fantastic.  I can’t wait to try it with grilled chicken. If you want to keep it vegetarian, skip the meat)

Topping:
1/4 cup sesame sticks

Mix dressing ingredients and whisk or shake so that everything gets emulsified.  Toss with salad ingredients.  Top with sesame sticks.

This was so good.  Hubs and I both had 2 bowls of it, but we only made half this recipe.  Next time I may try adding sunflower seeds for some more nutrition.  I’ve only tried Napa Cabbage once before, it was cooked and I didn’t like it.  But, I wanted to give it the chance to redeem itself. The checkout lady didn’t even know what it was when trying to ring it up.  I’m glad to have added a new vegetable to our repertoire and a new meal to our family’s meal plan.

Downsizing in today’s world

I read a lot of posts on the internet where people judge others for their spending habits.  Who cares if you’re “cheap”.  I know a lot of people with a lot of money who shop for clothing at Goodwill, can their own food, etc.

People seem to assume that once you have money you can start spending it.  But if we all did that, then we wouldn’t have any money.

Currently we live in a 1400 sq ft home.  It has 3 bedrooms and 1.5 bathrooms.  Most people consider our home “small”.  However we have a very large living room and kitchen.  Our rooms are good sized and have large closets.  We also have a full basement.  I’ve never longed for space here.

Hubs and I put in an offer on a house yesterday.  It’s only just over 1200 sq ft with 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms.  And it has no basement. A lot of people have asked why.

Well because we WANT to downsize.  Upsizing comes with a lot of hidden costs.  A bigger home costs more to heat, cool, maintain, taxes, insurance, etc.  It costs more of my time to clean it and I don’t have that luxury right now.

We’ve been furiously sorting, packing, donating and trashing our current possessions in order to get our house on the market on Tuesday. (Yes we put an offer in on a house before ours is sold. It is a short sale/foreclosure and the bank has up to 60 days to accept, counter or reject our offer.  It could take a long time). 

I cannot believe the amount of stuff we had that was unopened from my bridal shower or that I couldn’t remember the last time we used.  We had a beautiful set of crystal candlesticks, vase and dish that was literally still in the box, never used.  We had an electric skillet that I remember using once in this house.  We’ve lived here for 3.25 years now.

With every box we donated it really felt like a weight was lifted of my chest.  It’s been easier to clean our home without so much junk in the way, and it’s been easier to find everything we need.  We’ve done 1 van-full to a local thrift store that is part of church community and 1 to the new salvation army a few miles away. 

It’s been easy to overlook all the stuff because of our basement.  A lot of things were in boxes, out of sight and out of mind.  It’s been easier to ignore it than to dive into it and clean it. But then it hit me, we have to move all this stuff!  We’ve donated clothing, unused blankets, small appliances, wedding gifts, baby clothing, school supplies, etc.  And I feel better.

I’ve talked with a lot of people who can’t believe how much we’ve gotten rid of.  And I get the same old question…what if you need it in the future?  Well, I haven’t needed it in the 5 years we’ve been married and I didn’t even remember we had it, so I doubt I’ll ever need it.  People confuse the word want and need lately.  I wanted a nice new car.  I needed a reliable car to get Bear and I to doctors appointments with good gas mileage.  I got a car that was 2 years old and had 16,000 miles on it.  Not my dream car, but it’s been terrific.  I may WANT crystal candlesticks in my future, but I certainly do not need them. 

Once we started boxing things up we stored them in the kitchen (we have this weird corner which would be great for a china hutch, but we never got one) for two weeks.  If in those two weeks I needed something out of those boxes then I could retrieve it and all would be well.  Shortly after stacking them in the kitchen, I realized I wouldn’t need anything in them because to be honest, I couldn’t even really remember what we packed in them.

The only time I had a hard time parting with anything was our baby girl clothes.  We didn’t find out Bear’s sex before he was born and we had been given a few girl clothes.  I held on to them incase this baby was a girl.  It was very hard to get rid of them knowing that we won’t have anymore children after this Baby Boy (even though I desperately want them).  But I know in my heart, that someone else can use them and it can help me move through my grief over this diagnosis.

Hello, out there.

Life has been viciously keeping me busy and occupied.  A lot has happened since I last wrote here.

Bear has begun crawling!  I literally cried when he got up on all four’s and crawled out of the living room.  He also hasn’t had a fever in 2 months and unfortunately one popped up on Monday.

The Botox has been a miracle drug here.   Unfortunately, it was far from the cheap aspect of our lives and we’ve been struggling with our medical debt.

This past Monday we were hit hard.  With a stomach virus.  I don’t think I’ve ever been that sick in my LIFE.  I ended up in the ER two times (IN THE SAME DAY) for fluids and anti-nausea meds so that I could keep something down.

Hubs came down with it Tuesday night just in time for our big ultrasound.

Speaking of our big ultrasound, our little baby showed off the goods in about 3 seconds.

IT’S A BOY! 

I don’t know how to feel.  I yelled at Hubs the other night when he was saying “Well God surely won’t make us have another special needs baby.”.  I had to yell at him.  We’ve been saying the same thing for years and miraculously it’s never worked.  Surely he would give us a break and Bear would be fine, nope he has a genetic mutation that causes all of his issues.  Surely I won’t be a carrier.  Nope, I’m a carrier.  Surely this baby will be a girl so we can have a break from worry.  Nope, it’s a boy.

I can’t do it anymore. 

I can honestly say I’m 100% thrilled to have another boy.  I love boy stuff, I love blue and tan and trucks and planes.  But, I’m not 100% thrilled that I get to spend the next 4.5 months worrying about this baby.  If it was a girl, I would be almost free of this worry.  She wouldn’t have a 50/50 chance of being affected like Bear.  But this baby does.  I may be incubating another special needs child.  I may be bringing into this world another child that is going to struggle on a daily basis, is going to work harder than most people ever will just to still be behind. 

I’m going to be honest.  I’m petrified.  I’m petrified to love this little guy because I’m so scared of getting my heart broken.  I’m petrified of having a typical son, that I won’t know what to do, or I won’t be enough.  I’m petrified of Bear becoming second best having a typical brother.  I’m scared of people judging me if I have two special needs sons so close in age.  I’m scared of the day when everyone starts asking about Bear as his little brother because of his size and lack of skills. 

I’m not so sure how to swallow this news.  It is what it is, I can’t make him be a girl and I can’t erase these founded fears. 

Our other big news is, we’re selling our home.  Our home is a ranch. However, it’s not on a flat lot so our garage is in the basement and our stairs are very narrow and steep.  The hallways are narrow and have lots of turns.  This will not work for Bear in the long term.  We hope to be able to assist him in becoming mobile but the reality is that he will always need some sort of assisting equipment.  While Bear is still young and small (meaning we can carry him up and down stairs and in and out of the car) we are going to move into a rental.

Our hope is to get all our medical bills paid off and some money back in our savings so we’re not so strapped for cash when surprise bills roll in.  We’ll probably rent somewhere local for a year and then decide on our next move.

Hubs’ work is changing.  They’re making him work a different shift.  While this is okay for now and will probably work out well when we have a new baby, it’s not ideal for the long term.

Our family is in limbo right now just cleaning and decluttering our home getting ready to sell.